Living With Lust
ADVISORY… This essay contains adult subjects and sexual situations. Reader discretion is advised.\
by Jake Block
“The difference between love and lust… Lust is real.”
— Dale Grabowski (Explainer of Stuff)
“I had a dream
But it turned to dust
What I thought was love,
That must have been lust.”
— Winning (Santana)
“Ideally, love and lust are simply two sides of the same coin.”
— Jake Block (Guy Who Thinks Things)
Lust gets a bad name in some circles. A lot of it is undeserved. A lot of it is because those experiencing it are trying to hang onto some notion that they are above that kind of thing. Some are afraid that by being human enough to experience and even enjoy lust, it will be bad for their reputations. Lust is dirty… well, it SHOULD BE, if you’re using it right.
I know people who wouldn’t admit to having lustful thoughts, but when the lights go low, they get down and dirty and enjoy the hot, sweaty, nasty sex that they would be embarrassed to talk about in mixed company, or ANY company. “Oh… that’s not for me,” they cluck. “I could never do A, B, or C,” but you can bet your ass that he’s checking out the woman in the short skirt, and she’s thinking about that bulge in the guy’s pants. Hypocrisy is a human failing made worse when one is hypocritical towards themselves, rejecting normal human desires and motivations.
Now, I suppose there are people somewhere who have a total disdain for sexuality on a visceral level, and would never touch another person in a sexual or erotic way. I don’t think I would care much to be around such people. Granted, some people have a medical reason why sex just isn’t in the cards for them, and while in many cases this can be remedied, I can’t fathom why someone who is healthy and able would shun sexuality and, in some cases, be outright hostile toward the concept.
And then, equally frustrating are those who claim to be “sexually liberated,” as we used to say in the 60’s and 70’s, but a cursory examination of their actual sex life reveals them to be anything but! A friend of mine in the “musty dusties” of my youth used to tell me that she was about ready to become a lesbian because all of the men she had dated talked a good game, but when they took to the field, it was like watching little leaguers play against the New York Yankees. She made no secret that she enjoyed oral sex… A LOT… and had found that while she was open and giving in that regard, most men, she said, were only good for “a lick and a promise.” We dated for a time while I was stationed in the states, but fell out of touch (no pun intended) when I was stationed in Germany. Last letter I got from her said that she had finally given up on men and had taken a lesbian lover and was “happy as a clam.”
I think these days, people who survived the “sexual revolution” are pretty much settled down into their middle to late-middle ages, and a relative few have to consider such relationship landmines. By settled down, I’m not saying less interested in their lustful side, but that most have found someone to be with who can enjoy and participate in their particular brand of “kink,” so that finding a willing participant isn’t that much of a problem…he or she knows where to satisfy their need, so the pressure of gaining sexual satisfaction is dialed back. Their friends tend to be in the same age bracket and so would pretty much understand the niche that each has fallen into and, if they truly did reach that vaunted goal of “sexual liberation,” would have an understanding, if not receptive pool of potential to fall back on for support without having to deal with the pitfalls of social condemnation. The attitude for most people “of an age” is overall, pretty much, “whatever floats your boat.”
Now, to the “young ones” out there who are cruising the bars or perusing the pages of any one of a thousand “dating websites” that can be found on the web, sex for people in that post-sexual revolution age group must be pretty much non existent. Their PARENTS having sex and actually enjoying it? Their PARENTS having a kinky side? Their PARENTS even having lustful thoughts? Unthinkable! Unspeakable! Unheard of! And seeing the sight of their father in a bondage harness, wielding a whip with their mother in her see-through teddy, black stockings, heels, leg-spreaders and ball gag, blindfold and handcuffed would most likely send them to therapy for the next decade.
There’s a term that old-school Satanists should be familiar with. Erotic Crystallization Inertia… ECI for short… is the point in time that one’s erotic ideal is locked in to one’s psyche; the point at which one finds that thing that “floats their boat,” so to speak. LaVey, for example, related that his ECI was set when he was at a party as a teen and saw a young woman in a short skirt with bruise marks on her thigh. The look of the girl in her short skirt turned him on and it became one of his “things” for the rest of his life. For some, it might be a push-up bra. For others, the sight of a man in tight jeans. Still others, a 3 piece suit. It can be as individual as one can imagine, or become an iconic stereotype of sexual fantasy or kink. But whatever it is for the individual stays with them as a fond triggering device for the rest of their lives and they will continue to enjoy it long after it becomes just a memory. Now, that’s not to say they won’t have and enjoy other erotic fixations, but the one at the heart of their ECI will always be “special,” and they will try to find ways to make it work in their current sexually accessible play and fantasy.
In a previous article (Fetish Festival), I wrote about such personal kinks and asked members to anonymously report what “kinks” they held dear. “We have members whose fetishes are: women’s legs and high heels, men wearing only a black t-shirt with an erection, having sex with a large dog, ritual sex, highly intelligent people, men’s hands, men in suits or dress shirt and loose tie, nurses, black hair, curvy hips, long slender neck of a woman, satin sheets, sexy panties, nighties, public sex, guys fluent in Metaphysics, watching their spouse having sex with another person, men with “huge crystal balls who know how to use them”, leather clothing, women’s breasts and transvestism.” So, different strokes for different folks, as the old song told us. But these fondly held fetishes will carry through for life, and as we get older, we’ll tend to gravitate toward others who can understand, or at least accept us, “warts and all.”
LaVey wrote in The Satanic Bible in his chapter SATANIC SEX, “Satanism does advocate sexual freedom, but only in the true sense of the word. Free love, in the Satanic concept, means exactly that – freedom to either be faithful to one person or to indulge your sexual desires with as many others as you feel is necessary to satisfy your particular needs.
Satanism does not encourage orgiastic activity or extramarital affairs for those to whom they do not come naturally. For many, it would be very unnatural and detrimental to be unfaithful to their chosen mates. To others, it would be frustrating to be bound sexually to just one person. Each person must decide for himself what form of sexual activity best suits his individual needs. Self-deceitfully forcing yourself to be adulterous or to have sex partners when not married just for the sake of proving others (or worse yet, to yourself) that you are emancipated from sexual guilt is just as wrong, by Satanic standards, as leaving any sexual need unfulfilled because of ingrained feelings of guilt. “
He also wrote on the acceptability of personal fetishes. “Satanism condones any type of sexual activity which properly satisfies your individual desires- be it heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, or even asexual, if you choose. Satanism also sanctions any fetish or deviation which will enhance your sex- life, so long as it involves no one who does not wish to be involved.”
What you decide to do with your own body in your quest for sexual satisfaction is your own business. If, in your quest, you are fortunate enough to find someone who understands your need and supports you and even participates, then that ’s fine as well, so long as it is of their own free will.
I’m asked at times about the problem in a committed relationship when one member has a fetish or an aspect of their ECI that the other member is unwilling or unable to accept. I’m of the belief that there is little that can’t be compromised upon, so long as there is no harmful aspect of the fetish or illegality that must be contended with. Even so, I’ve had people tell me that their mate refuses to accommodate their needs sexually, or, while they understand the fetish, it’s just not something they feel comfortable with in participation. In this, I tend to agree with LaVey in the idea of “so long as it involves no one who does not wish to be involved.” This to my mind includes children, who lack the intellectual maturity to fully understand the nuances of sexuality, especially with adult participants whose experience, and supposed sophistication, would indicate less than a mutual interest in enjoyment of the experience.
Between mates… husband and wife… life partners… LaVey addresses this dilemma as well. “Just as no two people are exactly the same in their choice of diet or have the same capacity for the consumption of food, sexual tastes and appetites vary from person to person. No person or society has the right to set limitations on the sexual standards or the frequency of sexual activity of another. Proper sexual conduct can only be judged within the context of each individual situation. Therefore, what one person considers sexually correct and moral may be frustrating to another. The reverse is also true; one person may have great sexual prowess, but it is unjust for him to belittle another whose sexual capacity may not equal his own, and inconsiderate for him to impose himself upon the other person, i.e., the man who has a voracious sexual appetite, but whose wife’s sexual needs do not match his own. It is unfair for him to expect her to enthusiastically respond to his overtures; but she must display the same degree of thoughtfulness. In the instances when she does not feel great passion, she should either passively, but pleasantly, accept him sexually, or raise no complaint if he chooses to find his needed release elsewhere – including auto- erotic practices.”
Now personally, if at all possible, I would find a way to accommodate the sexual needs of my partner. However, if this was not possible, I would also find a way to allow her to meet her needs in a setting without my participation. At this time, I can’t personally see a situation where that would be necessary, but each person and each situation is different, so I would encourage open and honest communications with mates and/or significant others to find an amicable solution to the problem.
Living with love and lust is something that we all… if we are to have a sexually satisfying relationship… must consider and try to negotiate. There are a lot of boats out there and ways to make them float! AHOY, MATE!!!