My Pending Heart

At the beginning of this year I finally did it, I listend to my heart. Taking a big step like that wasn’t easy but I did it. Now it’s august and I feel freeër, but something is bugging me deeply. Some people have tried to stop me in my tracks, but I’m not giving up. Keep moving and strike when the time is ripe I would say. But I’m l’m losing track on where I’m going with this. Okay, here we go! I grew up in a family of drinkers,  the bad girl had risen in me when I was about 6 years of age. Now I did this behind my dads back, otherwise he would have hit me. I had a sip of my dads beer. I guess when your a child your dependant on your parents for guidence, but you sometimes look at them and say: Oh no not again. I use to be afraid that I get hit. Now we weren’t religious and my parents didn’t like the churches at all. They use to say damn those churches, all they want is your money. I remember black candles burning juring X-Mass, and I use to look at them and wonder, I asked my mother one day about it, she would say she wanted something different. When I use to go to school we had lunches that were made for us, and we use to have a silent moment for the people who were in need for prayer. I never prayed, I would fold my hands upside down so it would form a heart. I only discovered this a month ago, as I was thinking about my school days. Now that I’ve been in to Satanism for about 3 years I can finally say it was right of me to follow my heart, and love myself first. I remember moving out of my dads house and in to my own place, everything was new, well almost I actually had a few second hand stuff. But it was worth it. Now my neighbour downstairs wasn’t so keen on me, nor was he keen on the rest of the people in the building. I later discovered that there was something wrong with him, I decided to ignore him. I was busy doing my own thing, like looking for a job, I had couple of odd ones but nothing lasting. Now let me go back a little bit before I moved out of the house. I was asked to appear in a collume. I would be interviewed by a former social worker of mine (a social worker I had when I was 19). I accepted.  Now this interview wasn’t long, it was filled with one liners. I can’t really remember what I said. But he liked it. Back living on my own I realized how importend it was to be independant, I could do what ever I wanted. I remember getting my own computer, it was liberating. Now I don’t know what I’d do without it, my bills need to get paid. I like living on my own, it’s a challenge for me. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss having a relationship. I need to love myself first and think about what I want. Life is about enjoying yourself, and remembering how lucky you are to be alive.